Tag Archives: humor

The rude boy

24 Apr

As I drove to the gym, a semi-truck kept pace in the lane next to us.

“Big f**k!” Daniel declared excitedly, pointing and flapping.

I did a double take.  Did he really just say that?  “Yeah, big truck.” I said, emphasising the t.

“Big f**k, big f**k!”

I held it in as much as I could, but some laughter managed to escape me.  I certainly didn’t want to encourage foul language, but at the same time, it was rather hilarious hearing the f-word so innocently coming out of a 20 month old child’s mouth.

“Big f**k in the tunnel!” Daniel told me with glee the other day, driving one of his toy trucks under his wooden toy railway bridge.

Yesterday we went to Fantastic Furniture to get a desk chair.  Daniel wanted to sit in every chair and on every couch they had.  Hannah wanted to look at the bunk beds.

One bunk bed in particular caught the eye of both kids.

“BIG F**K BED!!!!!!!!” Daniel yelled loudly with a giant smile across his face.  He ran over to the bed and climbed on the bottom bunk.  He loves beds as much as he loves trucks. “BIG BOUNCY F**K BED!!!!”

"Big f**k bed!"

“Big f**k bed!”

Let’s just say I’m glad I was the only customer in the shop at that time, or I would have some serious explaining to do.

The rudeness doesn’t just cover trucks though.  It also extends to socks.  He can say sock, he’s said it many times before, but the other day he suddenly started saying cock instead.

There are no socks Daniel likes better than his dinosaur socks.  He has about 3 pairs.  In addition to trucks and bouncy beds, Daniel also loves dinosaurs.

“DINOSAUR COCK!!!!!” Daniel announced happily when I sat him down to put his socks on.  I couldn’t help myself.  Despite my best efforts not to, I laughed.  Out loud.  Which of course egged him on.  “DINOSAUR COCK, DINOSAUR COCK!”  He said, clearly pleased with himself.  “I have dinosaur cocks.”

Note to self: no matter how hard it is, DO NOT LAUGH when son accidentally swears.

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Copyright 2013 Sheri Thomson

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Dinosaurs

27 Feb

“Where are all the dinosaurs?” Hannah asked as she was looking through her new dinosaur puzzle book.

“They are all extinct.”  Aaron told her.

“What’s extinct?”

“There are none left, they all died a long time ago.”

“I know why all the dinosaurs are extinct,” Hannah said with certainty a little while later, “Someone put too much water in their tea.”

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That’s not your leg

16 Feb

“Where is your nose?” I asked Daniel while giving him a bath.

He put his finger on the tip of his nose. “Nose.” He told me.

“Where is your tummy?”

“Tummy,” He said, putting both hands on it.

“Where is your leg?” I asked him.

“Leg,” he told me as he grabbed his penis.

“That is definitely not your leg, Bud.” I said as I stifled my giggles. “That is your penis.”

“PENIS!” He told me with glee. “Penis!”

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The old man

31 Dec

“Are you seeing this?” Aaron asked me, laughing as we drove along.

“No, what?” I was looking out the window in the opposite direction.

“Over there.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HIS BUTT CRACK IS HANGING OUT!”

“I think his underwear are from 1970.”

We laughed and laughed as we drove past.  It’s not every day that you see an old man mowing the lawn right next to a busy road wearing only his droopy maroon underpants, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and skin that resembled leather.  Only in the western suburbs….

mowing

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“Today is my first ballet lesson”

31 Jul

Hannah (3 years old): “Mommy, after we go to the plaza, can you drop me off at my ballet class?”

Me: “Um…You don’t take ballet Hannah.”

Hannah: “Yes I do.”

Me: “No you don’t.”

Hannah: “Yes I do. Today is my first ballet lesson. Can I wear my fairy dress to my first ballet class?”

Basic Ballet Dress-up Tutu Fuchsia – Hot Pink $3.99

Me: “You don’t have a ballet class Hannah. I’m not taking you to a ballet class.” I didn’t want to play along in case she thought I was actually going to take her to a real ballet class. She’d be pretty upset if I told her I would and then I didn’t. Plus I’m pretty sure she was actually talking about a real ballet class.

Hannah: “Yes I do Mommy. It starts today.”

Me: “Where is your ballet class?”

Hannah: “It’s on Cammen-muffin street.”

Me (laughing): “Um….” Seriously, what do you say to that?

Hannah: “It starts very soon Mommy. Can you drop me off please?”

Me: “We’re going home now Hannah, we have to have dinner and then quiet time. There is no ballet class, you don’t take ballet.”

I parked the car in front of our apartment block. Fine, in front of the neighbouring apartment block. In front of ours was full.

Little Tikes Princess Cozy Coupe – 30th Anniversary

Hannah: “My ballet class is across the street. I’ll meet you over there Mommy.”

Me: “Don’t cross the street Hannah, it’s dangerous. Why don’t you go check the mail.”

We got inside and she ran to her room.

Hannah: “I need to get ready for my ballet class! Mommy, can you put one of your dresses on for the ballet class?”

Angelina Ballerina Matching Game

Me: “I have to get lunch ready Hannah, and besides, I can’t dance (seriously, I can’t). How about you dance, and I’ll watch you dance?”

Hannah (excitedly): “Ok Mommy!”

And then she did this:

Yes, my daughter is hilarious. But I’m sure you know that already.

Oh, and did you see that long sleeved onsie thing on the couch? Yeah, she got that out of Daniel’s drawer “for him to wear to the ballet class.” HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Check out my lastest review on A Mom’s Reviews about a personalized Sesame Street book (Click here to read the review). Hannah loves her new book!

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8 annoying things kids do

14 Apr

Everyone loves their kids. But lets face it, sometimes they do things that drive us nuts. Here are some of them:

1. They ask a question. You answer it. But then they want to know why. You tell them. But then they want to know why to that answer. And so on, and so on, and so on, and sooooooooooo oooooooonnnnnnnnn….

2. You go to put your baby in his car seat. And he suddenly wants to play I’m-a-completely-stiff-tree. Helpful.

3. Toddlers like to dress themselves. They like to choose their clothes. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean just going to the closet, nicely browsing through the choices, and then choosing one. Nope, not like that at all. Sigh.

4. Every time you attempt to put on your baby’s clothes, he thinks it’s time to see how much he can flap his limbs. Not only that, but he also enjoys throwing his head back with a gusto, whilst turning into a little human pretzel.

5. Parents put so much effort into preparing healthy delicious, kid-friendly meals for their toddlers. We serve it up to them in creative ways. But what do they do? They turn their little noses up and declare they don’t like it. Before they try even try it.

6. “No! No! No! No!” Ick, the terrible twos.  Defiance is rife, and often makes me want to scream and run for the hills.

7. You can’t wear your hair down, or wear any sort of jewellery, otherwise giant clumps of hair will be pulled out, earrings will be painfully ripped from your ears, and necklaces will half choke you before being completely broken.

8. When you’re changing a nappy, they seem to thoroughly enjoy playing rodeo. I.E. their little bottom is the out of control bull, and you have to attempt to wrangle it back onto the change table long enough to actually get the nappy on.

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What annoying things do your kids do?

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Fear of the septic tank

5 Apr

I can’t believe it was a whole year ago that I visited my parents in the U.S.  On one hand, it feels like years ago that I was there, but on the other, it feels like it was only a couple of months ago.

Recently I signed up for Timehop, a free service that you link to your social media accounts. Each day, you get an email with your status updates, tweets, etc. from exactly 1 year before.  Since I was in the U.S. at this time last year, I’ve been enjoying re-living a little bit of my trip each day, and seeing the funny things Hannah used to say before she could speak so well.

But, the daily re-living has made me remember the septic tank. Yeah, you read that right, the septic tank. My parents have one. I grew up with one. And well water. Whenever the power went out, we’d have no water either. But that’s another story for another day….

Back to the septic tank. The septic tank is toward the back of the side yard. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, but, I mean to the side of the house, more to the back than the front.

When I was little, I used to avoid (as much as one could) playing near the septic tank. I gave that side yard a pretty wide berth. When I could help it. When other people were around and walking/playing/bike riding/horse riding through the area, I’d go there too. I didn’t want them to know that I was scared of the septic tank. But I was. Wuss.

I always imagined it to be this gigantic deep cylindrical thing, with a very thin lid on top, and dirt and grass on top of that. I thought that if I stood there too long, or jumped too high, or ran too fast, the lid would collapse and it would swallow me up.
RID-X Septic System Treatment: 2 Dose Powder

I’d fall in with spectacular fashion and be stuck in a huge pile of thick poop, trying to swim, but barely able to even hold myself up.  There was no ladder, and the walls were so high, there was no way I could pull myself out.

I was terrified of drowning, all by myself, in a pile of poop.  No one would find me, I’d be totally swallowed up by the crazy poop monster.

When I visited my parents last year, my Dad said he needed to open the lid of the septic tank.

“How are you going to do that?” I asked him, visions of huge tractors in my head. How else would you open a gigantic lid?

He looked at me funny. Like I was stark raving mad. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

We piled on our coats, hats, and boots (it was very cold over there!) and went outside.  I held Hannah particularly tight. I certainly didn’t want her to be gobbled up by the poop monster.

My Dad grabbed a shovel, dug up a tiny bit of dirt and grass, and then stopped.

Imagine my surprise, when the gigantic septic tank lid that I was scared of all those years turned out to be this:

Not even my leg would fit in there. And then I googled septic tanks, and found this:

Septic tank before installation. Image courtesy wikipedia

That is what I was afraid of all those years?!  I could stand up in that and not even get my head wet! Sigh.

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“What’s this Mommy?”

15 Jan

Last week it was really hot.  Like 35 degrees (95f).  And humid. Ick.  Did I mention we don’t have any airconditioning?  Anyway, the kids and I were disgustingly hot and sticky, so we got the pedestal fan out of Aaron and my bedroom and planted it in the playroom (aka the living room…).  I stripped Daniel down to his nappy and Hannah went one step further, choosing to be completely starkers.  We laid on the living room floor, arms out wide, relishing the kinda cool air from the fan.

A little while later, Hannah held something up. It was small, about the size of a pinky fingernail. And dark.

“What’s this Mommy?” She asked me, inspecting it.

She didn’t really let me answer. “It’s a poo nugget,” she stated.

I laughed.  How could I not laugh? “It’s not a poo nugget sweetie!  Maybe it’s a raisin?”

I went over to investigate anyway.  I didn’t want her eating random raisins off the floor.

Then I saw it.  Next to her foot there was indeed a poo nugget. It must have fallen off the tiny piece in her hand when she picked it up. Oh my gosh, my daughter was holding up a piece of poo.  In her hand. EEEEEWWWWWW!

“Oh, it is a poo nugget!”

I got some toilet paper from the bathroom and picked up the nugget and the disgusting nuggety fragment from her grubby little hand and flushed it down the toilet, washing our hands vigorously afterwards.

A bit later she was next to the couch.”Oh, there’s another poo nugget.” She told me.

I didn’t doubt her for a second this time.  I looked all around, but all I found was a piece of fluff.

“Do you mean this?”  I asked her.

“Yeah, it’s a poo nugget.”

Thank goodness it wasn’t.  I threw the fluff away.

The next day I was sitting on the couch.  Something icky kept filling my nose.  Something poopy.  I sniffed around like a dog on the scent of a rabbit.  I got down on all fours, nose to the ground and moved forward toward the scent as it got stronger.  Finally I came to the edge of the couch.  The smell was strong there.  I looked all around, but couldn’t see anything.  It didn’t help that our carpet is a disgusting 80s brown, shaggy thing.

But there it was, under the couch.  Under the couch?  How in the world does a poo nugget get under the couch?  I’m not sure I want to know.  But I was in the playroom/living room with them when Hannah had her nappy off, and I certainly didn’t see her pooping.  Nor did I see her putting anything under the couch.  Not to mention that poo nugget was about 10 feet away from the other poo nugget.  WTF? I’m not sure I want to know….

On the plus side, ever since that day, Hannah wants to wear underpants. But, she doesn’t actually want to sit on the potty, so I’ve been spending a lot of time with a towel and the carpet cleaner.  Sigh.

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Just like Daddy

14 Sep

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How do you know if your child has done a poo?  You pull open the top of their pants and nappy and peer in of course.  You could go by smell, but sometimes that’s a false alarm.  Kids fart.  Farts stink….  You get what I’m saying.  We always check Hannah’s nappy this way.  Yes, she’s still in a nappy.  Sigh.  She refuses to wear big girl undies and flails like an octopus on red cordial caught in a net  if you try to put her on the potty.  Plus I have a newborn.  That doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time for potty training.  Giant sigh (about the potty training, not the newborn…).

Anyway, that is totally not the point of this post.

The other day, Hannah, cheeky girl that she is, went up to Aaron and pulled at the back of his pants.

“Did Daddy do a poo poo?”  He asked her.

“Yeah.”  She said, a cheeky grin plastered on her face.

“I don’t think so, Daddy does poo poos on the potty!  Let me check,” Aaron humoured her as he put his hand down the back of his pants, pretending to search for non-existent poo.

“What??!!!  Where’d this come from??!!!!”

Hannah looked at him mischievously, as she erupted in laughter.

Aaron held up the tip of a yellow crayon.  “How did this get in there?!!”

“I PUT IT THERE!!!” She exclaimed proudly.

I sat back, watching and laughing my head off.  Aaron has always been the joker of the family.  A “torment” as Grandma puts it.  He’s all light-hearted and silly like that.  So yeah, I think it’s HILARIOUS that Hannah torments him back.

Aaron handed the crayon back to her.

She walked straight back to Aaron, pulled at the back of his pants and in went the crayon again.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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Aunty Jess has a horse face

8 Sep

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The iPad has been invaluable. I use it every time I feed Daniel overnight. I can get on the Internet, play games, watch anything we have recorded on our media PC, I have e-magazine subscriptions, the list goes on.

But the other night, it had us laughing so hard we had tears. Looking back still makes me laugh. I’ll never look at the Jess the same way again. Oh yeah, we love the iPad.

Horse Face...

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