The kids were playing very nicely by themselves in the living room. I decided to take the opportunity to do all the chopping, peeling, and other prep work for dinner.
Daniel was playing happily at the play kitchen. Opening the cupboard and pulling all of the dishes out, then closing it again. Over and over. He loves the play kitchen.
Hannah was dancing around and watching Peppa Pig. She loves dancing. And watching Peppa Pig.
I was peeling some sweet potato. Lost in my own thoughts. Probably fantasising about being on the Amazing Race Australia. Yes I’m obsessed. Whatever.
“Mommy, what’s that on my toe?” Hannah asked me, all concerned.
I looked over at her, expecting to see some toy or sticker adorning her toe(s). Maybe some food.
But it was brown.
Oh please no.
How could it be? She was wearing pants. And underwear.
I stepped over the baby-proof fence separating the kitchen and living room.
Daniel saw me coming and crawled towards me as I hopped the fence, giggling happily with every step.
I knelt down next to Hannah. I needed to get a good look. I needed to relieve my fears and confirm that the offending item was a piece of raisin. Or half-eaten cracker. Or even a half-chewed piece of brown paper.
But it wasn’t.
“DON’T MOVE HANNAH!” Ok, so I may have over-reacted just a little.
He was still coming for us. Straight towards Hannah and her manky poo-covered toe.
Oh goodness, there’s poop on the floor too!
“HANNAH, DON’T MOVE!!”
I picked up Daniel and carried him to the other side of the room.
I picked up Hannah and carried her, as far out in front of me as I possibly could (I don’t want poo on me!), to the bathroom.
“STAY THERE HANNAH, DON’T MOVE!”
Daniel was once again gleefully crawling towards the poo spots on the carpet at breakneck speed.
I picked him up and put him on the other side of the room again and quickly got the carpet cleaner and a rag out of the cupboard.
“MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!” Hannah was screaming and crying in the bathroom. But she didn’t move.
“STAY THERE HANNAH, DON’T MOVE!”
I held Daniel at bay with my foot while I scrubbed the carpet, sprayed some more, and scrubbed again. Daniel really wanted to get at that carpet and see what all the fuss was about. Cheeky monkey.
I finished cleaning the carpet (I had to do that first so Daniel wasn’t out in the living room eating poop while I cleaned Hannah up. You know how it is…) and went to Hannah in the bathroom.
I took her pants off.
It was everywhere.
I tried to get her underwear off without retching and/or getting poop all over myself and/or the bathroom.
It was all down her legs. All over her butt. All over her front.
I wiped her up as best as I could with wipes while Daniel banged on the bathroom door, crying and yelling “Momma! Momma!” over and over again.
“STAY RIGHT THERE HANNAH, DON’T MOVE!”
I had to leave the bathroom to put all the filthy wipes in the poop bucket (aka sealed bucket where I put the days dirty nappies), and the even more filthy underwear in the soaking bucket in the laundry room.
I held those soiled undies in front of me like they were on fire and headed toward the laundry room, leaving a still crying Hannah in the bathroom.
Daniel, joyful at the sight of my re-emergence, decided it was a good time to play walk-while-holding-on-to-mommy’s-leg. Which is basically exactly as it sounds, but with gigantic smiles and lots of giggles.
My pants nearly falling down, poo nearly falling out of the underpants, I took step after slow step, Daniel attached to my leg stepping his little legs as fast as he could to keep up, giggling all the while.
Hannah stood in the bathroom door, legs covered in poo, screaming as I walked away from her.
I somehow managed to get the undies to the laundry room without spilling and once again had to lock an un-amused Daniel out of the bathroom while I cleaned Hannah up in the bathtub.
I hate potty training.
That was over a week ago. Before her third birthday. She has since pooped in the toilet. Please, oh please dear God, help her poop in the toilet again.
Yay! She pooped in the toilet again just now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Copyright 2012 Sheri Thomson