I’m pretty sure Australia is trying to eat us. Maybe we’re good for the soil. Maybe it thinks that if it devours us all, the hole in the o-zone layer will close up and it can be lush and green once again.
You’re not safe in the house. Spiders in Australia are lurking about, hiding in the corner, waiting to bite you. These aren’t your average spiders either, these spiders can kill you.
In a crazy heatwave like we just had, the power grid can’t cope with all the electricity running all the air conditioners and thousands of houses find themselves in complete black out. Yeah, the houses are trying to give you heat stroke.
You go outside. Ugh, it’s like 45 degrees celsius out here. It’s like stepping into a furnace. Or a disgustingly hot sauna right after someone has poured a copious amount of water on the rocks. If you stay out here long enough, you might possibly die, fried right there on the cement like an egg. Ouch! Oh crap, what was that? You look down. The grass seems to have grown little sharp things to assault your feet.
You move a few feet (fine, meters, whatever) away. OUCH! There is something stuck in your foot. It’s really sharp! It’s even smaller than the bindii. The grass isn’t finished with you yet. These little things are like ninjas, you don’t see them coming at all! Darn you burrs!
A bird dive bombs your head. It comes back for another go. Seriously bird? Really? Sometimes they get you so hard, they actually draw blood.
Snakes are lurking in the grass. They are extremely venomous and enjoy biting you, sending said venom into your blood stream and nervous system. Sometimes they hide in the toilet.
If you go for a walk in the bush, a wombat could charge you. They may seem cuddly (ok, not from the photo below), but they’re not. Seriously, they’re not, don’t try it.
And what about those black panthers that allegedly roam the Blue Mountains. There have been sightings, poo findings, tracks….
Watch out for those drop bears, they are particularly ferocious and have the added advantage of attacking from above.
A cyclone has just demolished entire towns.
Rain is flooding an entire state.
Ok, so dry land is going to eat you. Maybe you should go for a swim.
Before you even get to the water, OUCH! What? You look down. You’re standing on something long and blue, and rather condom like. It’s dead, but darn it, it still stings! They are everywhere!
Once you get into the water, you’re not safe. There are more jellyfish. Box jellyfish, Irikanji jellyfish, wasp jellyfish, more bluebottles, alive ones.
Uh-oh, there are sharks. Great white sharks, bull sharks, tiger sharks. Sharks that can leave you severely dismembered, or even dead. Sharks with big huge teeth just waiting to bite you.
But then there are the not-so-scary-but-can-still-kill-you marine wildlife. What about stingrays? People always forget about stingrays, but if Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter can be killed by one, then it could happen to anyone.
Even the water tries to eat you. Rips pull you out to sea and watch you struggle, flailing as you desperately try to get the attention of lifeguards. You could, of course, swim parallel to the shore until you’re out of the rip, but a lot of people, mostly tourists, don’t know that.
Don’t think you’re safe in rivers either. Sometimes sharks swim up river and wreak havoc along the way.
The water hole looks rather inviting. It’s a hot day. The water looks calm and still. You get in. Suddenly, you realise you are not alone. The river is filled with giant crocs, stalking you, waiting for just the right moment.
So everything is trying to eat you in Australia, but you know what? I still love it here. Maybe I’m crazy.